The Art of "HOW"

I have had a lot of reflection over something that happens to me almost daily.  In the midst of tragedy…there is always this awkward moment when people want to know the state of things, while not quite knowing how to ask.  I have plenty of experience in “doing it wrong”.  When a dear friend of mine’s father-in-law died, and I was on the phone with him while he drove his family to the funeral, without knowing what to say I blurted: “Oh my gosh, how is Sarah (wife who’s dad just died)”?  How was she supposed to be? She was crushed, broken, confused, swirling, and sobbing at that exact moment! Yet I did not have the foresight to pause and construct a statement that effectively communicated my concern and love for them.  I wish I had. I regret that moment.

Luckily, my friend forgave me for my polite ignorance. It has taught me an invaluable lesson that sometimes the “HOW” question is a very painful one.  It doesn’t change the fact that we really do want to know “HOW” they are.  We often neglect to think through how a question with a painful obvious answer might come across to the person we are asking.

To save you from the same feelings I had with my poorly aimed question…here are 5 suggestions:

1)     Often, not questions, but rather your presence, is really what they need.

2)     A well crafted statement often communicates the intent you have. For example, rather than asking a friend who’s mom is battling cancer: “How is your dad?”  Perhaps better would be a statement like:  “I’m sure this is so confusing for you, your family, and especially your Dad.  Know that I love you, and am praying and grieving with you”.

3)     Don’t misunderstand GRIEVING. Grieving is healthy and Biblical.  If someone appears or even answers: “I’m grieving”, don’t see them as weird…see them as responding well.

4)     If you sense yourself just wanting details…be highly aware how painful details can be for the person you are asking. Remember, this is far more about them than it is about you.

5)     If you have recently been a “HOW” asker, don’t be too hard on yourself.  Your heart is in the right place.  Take a look at the previous 4 and try a follow up encouragement to the person who is in need of the very thing you genuinely want to give:  Love and Support.

Amen?

~Deep thoughts from a Shallow Guy~

mn

Stillness vs. Nothingness

There was a great quote in a movie that I saw this weekend.  The only critique I would have of the movie (which was the new Karate Kid by the way) would be that they didn’t call Jackie Chan Mr. Miagi. Oh well…I guess that’s not that big of deal.  The line that stood out to me was when Jackie Chan said: “There is a big difference between doing nothing, and being still”.  It instantly sent my thoughts to when the Bible talks about a Sabbath.  A lot of times, I fill my “day off”, the day that was created and meant for me to be refueled and refreshed in the Lord, with nothing-ness activities. And while these activities may be fun, they often leave me drained and yearning for something more.  Crazy that Jackie Chan would challenge me to what the answer is.  It’s a matter of intentionally being still. Not about simply doing nothing.  Being still takes initiative, takes planning, takes focus, and takes prayer. Nothing takes just that…nothing. But it also fills you with just that…nothing.  Here’s me and Mr. Miagi’s challenge for you today: pick a time this week, preferably on your identified Sabbath day…to be still before the Lord.  Take initiative to be silent, journal, study his word, pray, meditate, love, and trust.  Take a time to meet with Jesus.

Amen?

~Deep thoughts by a Shallow guy~

mn